Repeating this Dance a Million Times Over
by VoraVeraVice
Summary: He drifted off to sleep holding his lover, who in turn could not see, touch, or feel him. Karin Kurosaki did not know where her brother had disappeared off to, nor did she know that the Heavenly Guardian, former Gotei 13 squad 10 captain, prodigy, Toushirou Hitsugaya lived inside her mind, protecting and comforting her from dangers know and unknown, waiting for the right moment...
1. Inside her world

He stood inside her; in her inner world, his home for years, the number of years he had no desire to re-call. For the ordinary soul this would have never been possible, a zanpaktou only saw the beginning of existence once the generic mold mixes with the owners own soul, to create a unique entity. Yet here he was, sea-foam teal orbs, head of white hair, captain's hoari, sword and all. He peered down and grabbed a fist full of the white fabric; he kept wondering why he even bothered to wear the damn thing. He had made his decision a long time ago, anything before that point in time, he discarded as a painful past he chose to sacrifice for something of greater importance. Yet those memories still stayed fresh in his mind, then he looked up at the sky; it began to pour rain again. He looked down at his feet, the violent rain beating down on the field of daffodils with no mercy; the beautiful yet delicate flowers stood no chance against the torrential pouring of the sky.

"The sky…" he breathed.

Lightning flashed across it along with the accompanying sounds of thunder, the earth underneath him shook with enough force for the giant petals of spider lilies- spider lilies that towered over the landscape and formed the forest of this world- to glide down at his feet. His sky was crying, and now with the amount of red on the ground, mixing with the yellow of the native daffodils, his earth set itself ablaze, but not the beautiful flames. No these flames were damped, wet and dark. Despite the fact that he is an ice dragon, the Heavenly Guardian who wields all the water of the skies as his weapon, he hated it when it rained like this. He looked over to the right of him to a small speck of light flickering desperately in this sea of sadness. A couple of flash steps and he arrived at said point in less than 5 seconds, which would have taken an ordinary person 5 minutes at a good paste run; he had arrived at the alter where he had willingly offered his heart and soul. The shrine, perhaps the size of a well with a Japanese style roof over, held only one item. At the center lived a hearth contained in a crystal bed; at the center lived the soul of this world, his owner, his beloved, and his heart.

Toushirou knew how he wanted this to happen, but he really had no clue how it would actually turn out. He need to see her, this depressing weather had been occurring very often as of late, but today proved especially bad.

"Something really bad must have happened to make her feel this depressed."

He knew she wasn't in any mortal danger, now that would have been different. In less than a heartbeat he would have manifested himself, and slaughtered anything or anyone who posed a threat to her

Times like these made him curse his limitations as her "zanpaktou." Sometimes he felt as if he didn't deserve to use that title, he couldn't even see everything that was happening to her, the only way he could know anything was through a small window to the outside world via her central hearth, and that was only when the lady felt like sharing her secrets.

Other times he would have to leave her mind and enter the world of the living, masking his presence so well that she, who already possessed great spiritual pressure and awareness, could not see or feel him. Yet this was dangerous. It was dangerous to leave her mind for too long and risk detection by the Soul Society, not to mention the physical strain maintaining such a state usually put him through. Yet it was the only time he could truly be with her, to touch and hold her, as another being, as a man, as her soul mate; the way they once were, ages ago, in a different life, in a different world.

He unleashed his sword and held the blade over the flame, breathing slowly as he felt a senkaimon like portal appearing ready to lead him into the world of his lover. He stepped in and began his walk while contemplating his soon to be actions. Along the way, he pasted a section of ice stuck to the wall; so smooth his clone stood reflecting back at him. He stopped for a minute to examine himself, he really did look different from how he looked back then, when they first had meet. That was to be expected off course, yet it was still strange. No longer the icy midget squad 10 captain he once was-then again he was no longer the captain of squad 10 either; his snow white hair, still unruly as ever flowed down his back held loosely with a ribbon, his clothing, a purple yukata held together with a green sash, and his white captain's haori, now held a tall muscular frame. His face, still somewhat retaining it's childish roundness sported a large X shaped scar extending from the top of his temples and intersecting down across the bridge of his nose to both sides of his cheeks.

He felt oddly nostalgic.

" How long have we been apart?"

He turned away from the ice and kept walking; he smiled at the memory of their first meeting, to the outside world they looked like two elementary aged children playing an aggressive game of soccer. Yet they were children no longer, not that he ever was one he just looked like it; now he had an appearance much more representative of his age and power. She had grown into a beauty herself, even though she never thought so as she was constantly in the shadows of her twin who's traditional feminine charm brought in flocks of suitors who would eventually leave with broken arms, teeth, and faces, courtesy of their big brother. To the outside world, she is simply a pretty 17 year- old girl who's loud, assertive, competitive, headstrong, willful, hence less than feminine, personality, overshadowed her appearance, negating any desire in their eyes. But to him, she was all he saw, his entire purpose for this existence. And if he ever got ahold of these people a fate worst then death would be a birthday gift to them. He felt close to his destination. He grips the handle of the doorway at the end of the tunnel, opened the wooden door and stepped into the white light.

He arrived next to her bed, she had already striped and was now asleep under the covers; he was glad she was sleeping for a change. Until he looked down at her pillow and realized she had cried herself to sleep. He felt his heart cry. Male dragon spirits not only protected their mates with the ferocity of a thousand hells, their emotional connection to their mates proved so intense, their kind have been known to raze off entire cities to avenge any harm done to their mates; ironically the only way to defeat a raging male dragon was to use his mate against him, his biggest weakness.

He wanted to savagely murder whoever caused her this pain, as much he wanted to hold her, stroke her hair, kiss away her tears, and whisper soothing words of comfort till she fell asleep-just like before.

It would probably be the best if he went back and returned in the morning. Yet his legs would not obey him. In stead his body moved in to touch her lips. His elegant fingers ghosted over her plump, pink, lush lips. He closed his eyes in defeat.

Instead he made sure to repress his spiritual pressure even further and put them on a sort of autopilot as he crawled into bed with her, making sure to be gentle, he coddled her, stroking her silky dark locks, and kissed her fingers.

"We will be together Karin-chan, even it takes me another eternity of reincarnations and lives, lets just hope this one will finally be the right one."

With that he drifted off to sleep holding his lover, who in turn could not see, touch, or feel him. Karin Kurosaki did not know where her brother had disappeared off to, nor did she know that the Heavenly Guardian, former Gotei 13 squad 10 captain, prodigy, Toushirou Hitsugaya lived inside her mind, protecting and comforting her from dangers she never knew, waiting for the moment to break down any remaining any barriers that kept them apart.

authors note: What? since when did Hitsu start wearing purple and sport a x shaped scar over his face? why is in in Karin's inner world? Why is Hitsu Karins Zanpaktou? What made Karin so sad? Where the hell did Ichigo vanish off to again? all these questions shall be ansered if folks are interested; i'll probably continue with this fic anyways but its nice to get likes and reviews, HELP A SISTA OUT YO!


	2. outside, into her reflections

Chapter 2:

Authors note: Meeehhhh I forgot to mention before, but please no I OWN NOTHING, I am a poor college student, writing out ma emotions( sniff sniff _) Please don't sue! Much love for views and reviews! Oh and this chapter gets a little more gritty and dark, this will be much the tone of the rest of the story, but since its me writing, there will be some wacky humor as well, rated T+ more swearing, and some "smexy touchie time," It might turn to rated M or LeMons in the future but that's still the future- VeraVice

* * *

Karin woke up to a frosty yet comforting chill. The fact that she woke up at all was impressive enough considering she had been sleeping for days without waking up. Her family and friends thought it was her way to cope, and it was.

But she had to wake up today, after all, she wasn't there for him when he needed her the most, at least she could be there to say goodbye to him-forever. From her talks with Urahara she had discovered the truth about the Soul Society and Rukongai.

At least she knew he was going somewhere relatively okay. Until Urahara told her the truth about the social stratification of Rukongai and the different socioeconomic conditions of each district, so once again, whether he went somewhere relatively peaceful, or to the slums where he would need to survive by living as a street urchin, that was once again out of her hands.

Even after death there was no guarantee of heaven or peace. Was there nothing she could do? What was it all for?

Those secret lessons in hakuda and zanjutsu with Urahara and Yoruichi, hollow hunting via soccer ball and anything else she had on hand with Jinta and Ururu. Everything she did was to compensate for how helpless she felt in this hollow infested, cesspit of a town.

The only shinigami stationed here was either incompetent or simply out swamped by those ugly bastards. Don't get her wrong she liked the guy, whose name she could never remember and hence renamed "Afro-gami-san" She would even go as far as calling them friends.

He was a funny guy. It was entertaining to see his reaction when Jinta, Ururu, and her got to the hollow before he did. And she would even wave to him and wish him a good nature good morning when ever she saw him on her way to school.

But he simply couldn't keep up with all the hollows that practically popped up like god damned roaches.

Kill one another pops up. She felt so helpless!

How was she suppose to explain to people, "hey don't go over there," or "hey don't walk home after school because a giant invisible ugly, soul eating monster might come get you!"

And as impressive as it was that she, a human had enough combat experience and spiritual pressure to kill low level hollows, at the end of the day, she wasn't a soul reaper.

She didn't have a zanpaktou, nor could she flash step, perform kidou spells, or did she have any special abilities like Ichigo's friends Ishida, Orihime, and Sado.

But what made it really hurt was how selfish her situation was. Not that she could control it, but it was still selfish, and it absolutely killed her inside. She had just _enough_ powers to save_ herself_, but not others.

She could see, she could run, she could hide, she could kick something at its ugly face, but whenever a soul was about to get eaten right in front of her, she could only stare in horror, and stall the damn thing until _real_ help came. She felt pathetic.

She turned to her right to look at her alarm, it was almost noon, she guess it was time to get ready. She took a slow breath, than forced her torso to bend upwards.

Crawling out of bed she walked to the bathroom, once she was done doing what she needed to do, she entered the shower and turned the water on all the way to the left, allowing the freezing water to numb her skin.

When she felt like her body was going to give out she turned the water all the way to the right to allow scalding heat to bring her back to reality. It was strange how unaffected she was by hot water, hot weather was another thing though.

She could practically swim in boiling water, but as soon as the Japanese summer kicked in she was ready to kick the bucket.

Once she was done rinsing out all her shampoo and body wash, she wrapped herself in a towel and stepped out of the shower/tub.

Her reflection looked back at her with the identical dark yet light features. Her dark grey eyes were even darker and sunken in, her long dark hair swirling around her like a dark shadow like mass.

Her body, once skinny and straight now round, fleshy, and plump with heavy, yet perky breast, a thick yet solid waist, wide hips, round rear end, and shapely, lush, thighs and calves; she was now larger than the average Japanese girl.

She blamed it all on the sinfully good American fast food from her time in the USA, as well as her genes.

Her dad has ungracefully mentioned that her mother had large breast, and that she had a cousin on his side of the family, named Kukaku who happened to look a lot like her, also had a rather curvaceous figure.

She was fine with it, she didn't care, never one for shallow ideations, she was even sort of happy with it, the added muscle and meat on her bones made soccer, softball, and kendo easier.

She got teased at times, but people knew better than to say it to her face.

It wasn't that she was "fat" per say, she knew she was considered a healthy thick, considering how petite in stature she was( where was all that fat suppose to go?), and of course she was still fit and strong because of her active life style; but it made her standing out even more than she already did, and standing out, attracted trouble in her culture, especially because she carries Kurosaki blood.

Just like her brother who got picked on because of his orange hair and punk-ish demeanor, she got picked on for a multitude of reasons including her body, a body that didn't fit perfecting in a mans arms, a body that did not look delicate in anyway, a body that did not look easy to dominate, nor did she give into those who loved to objectify her body, those who saw her curves before her, those who saw that she was only worth a lustful glance, or sought to make her their trophy "ghetto ass and tiddies" arm warmer, but didn't give a damn in the world to who she was nor cared to even try.

Of course she wasn't saying she was more attractive in anyway, and she definitely wasn't saying slender figures weren't beautiful (believe her, she appreciated the various forms of female beauty _very much_), but it just wasn't her, and it wasn't the norm, or what women were taught to strive for, therefore it brought her a hard time.

But her friends and family never cared about her appearance, they noticed but that never changed the way they felt about her or the way they treated her.

Her friends would even try to "defend her honor" against those who gave her a hard time, which usually lead to them getting their asses handed to them resulting in her dropping everything to fight for _all_ their honors, and when she bit off more than she could chew, Ichigo would come in resulting in many ambulances, police reports, and the smug Kurosaki "us against the world" bro fist.

All and all, they always loved her no matter what… he loved her no matter what.

She pulled her eyes away sadly to examine her face. Her childishly chubby, pale face that once held high check-bones, a small delicate nose, and pump red lips, now looked like a ghost/zombie lovechild out of AMC's_ The Walking Dead. _

She paused for a moment, normally she would have laughed at her overactive imagination and creative wording, but then she remembered how she-they use to love watching baddly dubbed versions of that show together, and the memories of them at the Zombie Crawl every Halloween, or cosplaying as characters from at Comiket, or just kicking back marathoning through their "to-watch" anime list.

They had been true otakus, soccer playing, otakus by definition. They had grown up together, friends from the sandbox. When Yuzu had gone off and made friends with other girls who wanted to play princess, she had gone off fishing, climbing trees, and playing soccer with other boys. Friends from 5 to 17, probably her first and best friend, she loved him, she still loves him.

Practically family to her and Yuzu, even when she had gone to study abroad in America during her last year of middle school, they kept in touch, skyping every night and exchanging facebook pictures, when she came back it was like she was never gone.

So when she left for a weekend trip to see one of her friends from America who had stopped in Japan for the week, she thought nothing of it. She went out, ate, saw movies, and played soccer with her friend in Osaka, and did everything they would have done back in Karakura; when she got back, she came back to the news that her best friend had been killed by a hollow because Afro gami-san could get there. She had thrown up on the spot.

She could have been there, but she was in Osaka, hanging out playing soccer with someone else, she felt almost as if she was cheating of him.

She didn't get out of bed for weeks. Afro-gami-san was nice enough to stop by her window and tell her his soul had been proper purified, and that he made it on time to kill the hollow before it ate her friend's soul hence allowing him a proper konso. That made her feel better, somewhat.

Sometimes she wondered by she didn't blame Afro gami-san; after all, it was his job and not hers. But she couldn't, she never could, it was her fault, it always was.

She stepped back in her room, and instead of going to her closet she settled back on her silk sheets, there was still a good hour before her and her family had to leave for the cemetery (it was only a five minute walk from their house, well she'll be damned, the bastard god of irony really had a pair of gonads on him).

After the boiling hot water from the shower, she was meet with an icy chill in her bedroom that sent shivers down her spine and practically steamed as it made contact with the heat of her skin. She went to her bed, and sunk into the sea of satin once again, all she wanted to do was sleep, to forget, to die momentarily.

As she laid on her back over her silk/satin sheets, she unwrapped her towel so not to wet the bed, but also so she would feel the chilly air cooling off her smoking skin. She reached over for her phone, plugged it into her headphones and stretched out like a fresh baked, unwrapped meat roll. She set an alarm for 15 minutes, and allowed her self to image that it was she who died that day instead.

* * *

He knew he was being awful. This was no time for him to lust after her in such an ungentlemanly manor. Despite the annoyance that it caused him, not being able to read her mind and all, hence not knowing many things that was happening to her (such as now), he knew her enough to know she liked her privacy and wouldn't like him sneaking into her private thoughts. Nor would she like the idea of him knowing what she was doing every single moment.

But it was so difficult for him because he couldn't straight up talk to her and ask her what was wrong like a normal person. But he hadn't seen her for so long…and oh had he missed her. And here she was spread out before him, naked, glowing, and steaming, like the visions that would haunt his dreams late at nights. Her presence only made it more difficult for him to control his reiatsu.

He was really trying to keep from unintentionally causing a snowstorm in her room, but he couldn't keep the leaks from creating cold air, cold air that was practically steaming as it greedily licked every inch of her skin.

Like a zombie inching back to the master that summoned it, he silently ghosted into her bed making sure she couldn't see or feel him. He slipped next to her in bed, inching next to her as close as he could. He placed a cold hand on her steaming breast and hissed with pleasure as the heat of her body reacted with the coldness of this elegant fingers.

He dropped his face into the side of her head into her wet hair, thank the heavens she couldn't feel or see him. Her scent, the same as he remembered, hit him harder than a vodka bottle to the face (or the entire content down the throat).

He knew she had insecure thoughts about her appearance here and there; and he knew the issues that it caused her, the issues that it caused her on the inside and the outside.

He knew the reactions she got, he knew about the fights that she got in when other girls picked on her, he knew of the disgusting low-lives that burned their eyes through her top, or the backside of her skirt, like starving wolves.

It made his icy blood boil knowing all of this, knowing he couldn't be there for her to comfort her as a man, as once who loved her for her everything, soul, mind, body and all.

Of course he knew she would never allow herself to hold onto him like a crutches even if he were there, but it made him feel the more useless that he couldn't even try; but he couldn't help but secretly enjoy the fact that he was the only one who could see her true beauty, the true beauty such simpleminded, human, simpletons could never comprehend.

He ghosted his fingers over the tender skin of her inner thigh and signed longingly, the lids of his eyes dropping halfway, clouded with love, lust, and desire. He propped himself on his elbow so he could look at her face. The face that haunted him, the face of the woman he sold his soul for, the woman he would happily cut his way through armies just to hear the sound of her voice.

He hovered his lips over hers, the second before they made contact, she started to sing softly, breathlessly, with her eyes still closed as if singing in a dream.

_"Kimi wa kimi dake shika inai yo…  
Kawari nante hoka ni inainda…  
Karenai de ichirin no hana" _

"A single flower ehh?" he smiled to himself. A single flower in the dark in deed.

Authors note:

Woot woot! I actually really liked writing this, I want to try an update every couple of days if I can. Some things to point out though:

1) the song is Ichirin no Hana by High and Mighty Colors, opening for Bleach anime

2) The Walking Dead is a popular American TV show

3) Zombie Crawl is an event where you dress up, and walk around like zombies (brainsssss) 0_0

4) Lastly, I really like writing this and I really like it when people review/leave a message, constructive criticism welcome, no like flames though, but I won't censor you, my feelings might just get hurt…But I much appreciate your guy's input! Much love!

5) OHHH And who is this boy? Karin loves him?

-VeraVice


	3. sunset colored rose, goodbye

**Chapter 3:**

**Authors' note:**

**I AM ALIVE!**

**This chapter is dedicated to my ownFour Eyes, Pointy, Donny, and Water Buffalo**

**I own nothing except my life-I take it back, college owns that too, along with all my money, sleep, and life happiness (insert emo face).**

* * *

"Karin-chan, are you ready to go?"

Karin opened her eyes slowly with as little effort as she could; she turned her head over to the door way where her twin stood, dressed all in black, face red and puffy, no doubt from crying. Even though Yuzu had always been the crier in the family, their twin bond made her heart hurt even more to see this if she read her mind (which wouldn't be that surprising), Yuzu strove over to her naked form and knelt down to squeeze her checks affectionately. "Even when its' suppose to be you hurting more, you're still worried about me."

Karin smiled at her twin; the two girls were practically one in the same after all. "That's never going to change regardless of the situation Yu Yu-chan."

"I know, but there is nothing wrong with grieving for yourself once in a while too."

Karin could only look up at the ceiling, logically she knew Yuzu was right, emotionally she couldn't stomach it. Karin closed her eyes; "If I had been there Yu Yu, then I could have done something, and he wouldn't have died, then you wouldn't need to cry." Yuzu only hugged her twin with her arms and put her head down on the bed.

"Kari-chan, you know that logical is flawed just as much as I do." Karin wrapped her arms around her sister, a sob caught in her throat; they stayed like that for a while.

Yuzu always knew what to do when Karin got like this; Karin always had to much pride run to something crying, so instead, Yuzu came to her, and allowed her twin to silently wet her hair, as they both pretended to not notice her crying.

After another minute or so, Yuzu who saw no shame in open tears, stood up and went over to Karin's closet to pull out some black clothing, for their friends' funeral in 30 minutes. "I'll just leave them here, okay Kari-chan? Come down when you're ready, I'll have some food ready okay honey?" Yuzu chirped as happily as she could. Karin propped herself up on her elbows and answered with a nod and a small smile. Yuzu beamed at that, taking it for progress, and stepped outside closing the door softly behind her.

Throwing her head back a bit, Karin let out a painful sign. She counted to three, and once she found her resolve, she heaved herself out of bed and walked over to her cloths that hung on the back of the chair next to the full length mirror.

She held up the outfit Yuzu pulled out for her: panties, bra, black slacks, and shirt. She pulled everything on slowly, painfully; because in her mind, putting these articles of clothing on, meant finally admitting what they implied-she was _really_ going to her best friends funeral. Once she managed to dress her self, she took a look at herself in the mirror once again; she looked pathetic.

Suddenly she was angry, extremely angry, angry at that hollow, at him for getting himself eaten, but most of all herself.

"AHHHHHH!" She screamed and punched her tabletop, bruising her fist as a result. She looked at her hand; that was going to leave an ugly mark.

"What am I doing with myself?" she whispered.

"If you were here you would probably be laughing at me, right? You would probably say something like "this isn't like you Kurosaki, aren't you suppose to be the strong one?" She nearly choked on her own one final punch to her otherwise innocent table, she formed her resolve again; she needed to be strong during this hour to come. She moved move to grab her hairbrush and plug in her hair dryer; how long has it been since she bothered to even comb her hair?

"Damn." She said to herself after her light makeup was done; it has been a long time since she looked this life like. The zombie/ghost hybrid from before, now replaced with a regular normal looking girl. Once she was satisfied everything was neat and done, she strolled over to her closet and picked out a pair of black didn't like this outfit, she didn't like any of it, not only did she not like what they implied, she didn't like how they looks. She felt so tied up. The fabric fell off her like a curtain making it look like she was wearing a black sack of potatoes, and to ad insult to injury, it didn't allow her to stretch her limbs as well as she wanted.

Sadly, she didn't have anything else she could wear, so this would have to do. Karin signed in defeat and began to walk out of her room to meet with the rest of her family. Along the way, she noticed an icy feeling on her then hurt hand, slowing down the swelling of blood and bruised ugliness.

* * *

He knew this was a bad idea. He really thought that it was perfectly intelligent of him to enter her bedroom, after being away from her for so long mind you, and then just stand there watching her like a creeper as she dressed?

"Baka!" he berated himself, once his brain could work again and his face was about the color of her Renji's hair. He had retreated to the corner of the bed once Yuzu walked in, he knew she couldn't see him anymore than Karin could, but he wanted to give the girls some privacy, he knew Karin loved her twin very much, and these moments were private, intimate moments between the sisters.

Yet this was probably the only way he could figure out what was going on so he really didn't have choice but to listen in. Why was Yuzu dressed in black? She never wore anymore than one item of black. As he listened on, he felt his heart cry out once again, at the sight of Karin silently breaking down in her sister's more he listened the more he didn't want to know. Someone close to Karin had died via hollow? And she blamed herself? Wait, someone died, Yuzu in black? They must be going to a funeral today!

" Kuso!" he whispered as he threw this head backwards against the wall. Really, he was an idiot, no wonder she was so sad, why else? Oh shit. Who died? He suddenly panicked. Whose death was so important that it would cause his love to suffer so? It wasn't Yuzu, and he was pretty sure but not 100% that it wasn't Ichigo or their father (if Ichigo had died that meant bigger troubles for everyone), so who could have been so important to her? His panicked eyes and racing mind stayed glue to her form even as Yuzu moved over to picked out her clothing.

Once she did so, she said something to Karin, something he did pay attention to, and Karin replied with a forced smile. He felt the strain of her smile pull at his heartstrings.

After Yuzu stepped out, they were alone together once again.

He took the moment to drink in her image. Her suggestive position, with her elbows supporting her up from underneath, her breast in the air, head tilting back, and one leg bent at the knee upwards…

Yet as beautiful as Karin appeared at this moment, it brought him no pleasure. It brought him no pleasure seeing her like this.

There was a time, when her current image would elicit pleasures and emotions beyond articulation; it was because he had the honor of seeing her in a position of pleasure, which would bring him pleasure. Now, she was in this same position because she was crippled by pain, and he could do nothing to taking that pain away from could only watch as she made her way out of bed. He could only stare at her in longing, as birds long to touch the sun, yet can never do so. Then she did something unexpected, she screamed and punched the table, hard.

This jolted him out of this miserable state, self-pity replaced with concern for her wellbeing. He instantly rushed to her side. He took her hand in his; she had managed to bruise herself pretty bad. He felt like punching something too.

Instead, all he could do was wrap his arms around her waist, move his neck into the cove of her neck, and embrace her in his cold, ghostly form. When she began to talk to herself, all he wanted to do, all he could to do was drown in the soothing sound of her voice. But the content of her words did scare him. He hadn't seen much of what was happening to her, but whom could she have met that had such an effect on her? Wait.

It couldn't be…no…she couldn't have developed _romantic feelings_ for someone else could she? He let her go, and backed all the way back to the bed, his mind in a frenzy of thoughts, his pulse racing as the blood threatened to drain from his face. Then another feeling smacked him in the face. Pure instinct.

The primordial, animalistic, side of his brain, the dragon in his mind, roared with rage. _"Mine!"_ it growled.

She was to be his mate, his partner, the gods have already decided, it was decided that they were to be bound together long before they realized it. The moment he picked up her soccer ball and bounced it back to her their souls, their red strings of fate, their entire existence collided with one another's, the universe was set in motion, and stars died only to be reborn in manors just as violent as their deaths. Now, it wasn't as if she had no free will, in the end it came down to her decision. He just happened to know what decision she would make. After all, she had made the same decision before.

"_Hissss" _his inner dragon snarled out.

Being reborn into the body of his original kind, his original self was quite something else. Who knew Heavenly Guardian actually meant a guard for Heaven, and who would guess guards for Heaven were dragon spirits, humongous, reptilian, fire-breathing (in his case ice), claws, scales and all; hell, who would have thought there actually was a Heaven.

In all his years as a death god, he never gave a thought to the concept of higher beings beyond the world of shinigami he knew. Now, he still didn't know what Heaven really was; he hadn't been there yet. He didn't even know if it was really Heaven with a god or gods, or anything like that. All he knew was that when he was facing the possibility of losing Karin forever, he was given the option of a trade off. In turn for his chance at reuniting with Karin, he would once again, swear his life to the services of a greater system of order and control.

Especially ironic considering how it was due to a similar system that forcefully pushed the lovers apart. Hitsugaya didn't care, he never did. He would gladly dive into the pit of darkness to reach her another million times, even if it once again bound him to the chains of to say, he had given up much to ensure her happiness and safety, to ensure that he could be in her life, so he could be with her in the most intimate of settings, to be her protector. He knew she would probably slap him if she heard him talking as such.

She hated anything even remotely resembling to princesses and damsels in distress, it would be of great insult to her dignity for him to associate her with such. He knew more than anyone she could fight for herself; but the girls' tenacity often brought with it trouble for everyone. She was fearless in most regards; it would be of benefit for them all if she would allow self-preservation and fear to kick in more often.

Yet his desire to protect her bordered on rabid insanity; damn those animal instincts! Did he have a hero complex? He needed to think this through; she would hate him for a very long time if he were to give off that impression.

Hence it would be a tad understatement if she had gone and fallen for someone else. She couldn't! Of course he knew she had a choice in this matter; but he knew what final decision she would make on her own accord.

It didn't stop him from feeling jealous though.

Hitsugaya never liked to stoop to such petite behavior, but apart of him was happy this person would soon be literary, six feet under. But then he thought of Karin's tormented face, and instantly felt disgusting.

"I have hid from her for too long. I must reveal myself and tell her the truth soon." Hitsugaya repeated tiredly. He wanted to reveal himself to her, wanted to woo her, remind her of the feelings buried deep inside them despite the barriers that separated them, prove his devotion to her, show her how she already had him on his knees' wrapped around her fingers.

Yet he understood that revealing himself only meant leading her into a world that would happily see her bloody, broken and rotting at any given moment. He did not want to make her into a shinigami, but he knew she had a role to play in the upcoming battles this world held, and unfortunately he didn't even know what was to come, all he could do was protect and prepare her as best he could.

This of course, would be no easy task, he could lend her his power and wisdom, but he was limited because he was not her primary zanpaktou. He wasn't actually apart of her spirit, just hanging inside it. Best way to put it, he wormed his way in when he saw her zanpaktou was asleep and current acting as a proxy, inferior, zanpaktou/spirit doing all he in his power to keep her away from hollows, reigning in her spiritual pressure and keeping it steady, soothed the walls of her mind when needed…

But he constantly feared the day when those things would not be enough; that he wouldn't be strong enough to protect her, leaving her vulnerable and defenseless considering her actual zanpaktou was nowhere to be found at this time. He pressed his forehead into his hands. He needed to figure out a way to gather all the necessary information and concoct a plan of action, quick. He knew he had a bad feeling about this.

"Karin are you ready?" Hitsugaya heard Yuzu's voice call from outside the window.

"Yeah I'm coming," the icy spirit heard his lover reply.

His teal eyes shifted towards the window; it was probably time for him to go as well.

It was oddly sunny for a funeral. Karin struggled between wanting to be happy that her friend was being sent off away on a day so reflective of his personality, and wanting to spit at the sun's face for mocking her with it's false happiness and gentle rays. At least it wasn't raining, she had always hated clichés, and that would be the epitome of cliché. Not only did clichés irritate her, it would only make this seem less real, like a cheesy movie, like someone was playing a prank on her, like this wasn't actually happening.

She bit down on her tongue enough to taste blood. These last couple of weeks Karin had worked so hard to come to terms with the fact that yet another important person in her life had died whereas she had no power to stop it once so ever.

Her head remained frozen its' mechanical position, but her eyes moved around to scan the crowd of visitors. She saw their teachers, their friends; practically everyone from school had shown up to bid him goodbye. She scanned the crowd of faces; at one time, some of these people would have made rude comments behind their backs, calling them disgusting names, laughed at them for who knows what. Calling her insulting names such as "dyke" or "butch." Then those who stood up in her defense would face similar insults and sneers as sympathizers of the targeted party.

But now, everyone looked genuinely guilty and remorseful. This left such a bitter taste in her mouth she wanted to spit it out on the floor. But she clenched her fist and bit back the tears that threatened to betray her.

"Damn it! I can't cry, I can't cry, I can't cry!" she cursed herself. She didn't cry in public, The Karin Kurosaki does not break down like this.

This is what made Karin Karin! She was the tough twin, the one no one needed to worry about, the twin who could take care of herself, the twin who would care for herself, hurt herself, heal herself, all by herself; the twin whose only contribution to her family would be to become the solid, invisible wall that protected and supported without asking for care in return. And now, her wall was crumbling down before her very feet!

She mentally slapped herself. "What the fuck, an identity crisis too? How can I get any worst?" She laughed bitterly to herself, just loud enough for Yuzu to turn and beam her a worried look. Karin gave her twin's hand a gentle, reassuring, squeeze in return.

"Thank you all for being here with us today to say good bye to our beloved son, brother, nephew, and friend."

The Shinto priest's words were the last she heard for the next hour until it was finally her turn to send him off with her orange rose.

She walked up silently to the coffin. He was there, sleeping, peaceful…lifeless.

"Hey…" she croaked weakly. She didn't know what to say, what was she suppose to say? I'm going to miss you? I'm sorry a giant monster you couldn't see but had the misfortune of running into killed you? I love you, I always have, and I'm praying that you're somewhere relatively safe, and that you remember me so we can see each other again?

"You know I've never been good at planning things out, so sorry if this sucks really hard." She laughed almost lightheartedly. If he were here he would probably be laughing at her too.

"I know you never really cared for flowers…I mean…seriously flowers? But we all knew how you liked orange so…orange flowers!" Karin held up the sunset color rose. Nobody said a word, nobody looked her way; everyone knew these types of conversations are a private matter.

"I hear they're gonna burry you with our lucky soccer ball too…well kick ass and balls in peace!"

"And…." She stumbled. "We'll beat ass at the championships for you! And once we bring that trophy home we'll dump all the Gatorade on coach's head for you!" She had to take a moment reach her ability to articulate again, quite a challenge, as she was busy choking back the lump in her throat."…And…and we'll play soccer again one day I promise! You still haven't mange to block one of my Kurosaki super kicks yet!" Karin was physically shaking now.

She put the rose down next to his check and gave him a kiss on the forehead before backing away as her body threatened to vibrate out of control.

But instead of blank air, she backed into a warm body, multiple warm bodies.

She felt the many arms, heads, and shoulders cocoon her in a modified group hug/huddle. Her grey orbs peered up to meet brown hair and glasses. Her body began to vibrate again as it choked down the sobs of sorrow, shame, and remorse she manage to regurgitate back into her mouth. To her surprise they were his thin arms rewrapping themselves around her as he let out his own tears.

"I'm sorry guys," Karin muttered softly. "Don't be, we all knew you needed you're space to properly cope," her four eyed friend Kazuya Usaka replied through snotty tears collecting on shoulders.

Normally she would have punched him for getting his nasty bodily fluids on her, but at this moment she didn't care.

She pulled away from the mass of boys encased around her. She took a moment to look at all their faces. Ryohei Toba, who they affectionately nicknamed "Water Buffalo" due to his buffalo horned shaped hair. Heita Toujoin nicknamed "Pointy" because of his high arched, pointy, dark eyebrows. And lastly, her eyes turned back to Kazuya Usaka, with this soft brown hair and glasses, coined "Four Eyes," once again.

They were all crying open, sloppy tears.

Her boys. Her soccer buddies since the age of 5. Her brothers, her friends, the ones that stuck up for her when no one else would, the ones the valued her friendship enough to send her emails, pictures, and video chat with her when she wasn't even in the country; her partners in crime. And during her time of weakness, she had shut them out, refusing to see them, leaving them to cope on their own because she didn't have it in her to not fall apart as they broke before her very eyes.

"I'm such a bad friend, I'm so sorry guys," Karin sobbed in her hands. This prompted the boys to crush her into another group bear hug."Don't…(sniff)…. don't cry Boss," Heita sniffed. "You're supposed to be the Boss remember?" Kazuya slipped in. "Yea…I mean…you're like our Boss sis, we don't give up on family!" Ryohei shouted, face red from lack of oxygen.

Karin looked up at her three friends and smiled the most genuine, lighthearted smile she had in weeks. None of them would forget their fourth brother, but he would have wanted them to be happy. He was never a sad person; he hated sad movies, sad songs, anything sad.

He wouldn't have wanted his family and loved ones to be sad over him.

One last time, Karin, Ryohei, Heita, and Kazuya gathered arms over each others shoulders' to say good bye to their friend, the unspoken promise to continue forward and live happy lives hung in the air.

They each gave a silent prayer to send their friend Kei Uehara, "Donny" as he was called, off to peace.

_In memory of our beloved son, brother, nephew, and friend._

_you're memory will always stay with us in our hearts._

_You will always be with us_

Karin allowed one final tear to slip down her cheek; she swore she felt a sudden cold breeze whip by her; so cold she thought the teardrop would freeze. She welcomed the cold as it licked away her heated sadness.

* * *

**Things to look forward to in the next couple of chapters/bribes for reading/Author's note!**

**1) Ichigo/Karin sibling bonding time! Wait. Where the hell is Ichigo? What the hell has he been doing this whole time?**

**2) Flashbacks:**

*** To Karin's high school days; studies, sports, self-discovery and acceptance, femininity, body image, college, friends, and enemies**

*** Karin and her mom, how Masaki changed her as Karin matured into a women despite not being there with her, body/gender image, and femininity**

**3) Scaly lizard Hitsugaya vs Scary _?_**

**4) Tatsuki?!**

**5) Kurosaki therapy session; "how does that make you feel?"**

**6) Yoruichi and Urahara appearance; Karin's training, Karin's role? Who is the actual enemy?**

**7) EXPLANATION? WTF! Guard for Heaven? A deal? What deal? The past? Dimensions? Parallel universe? There's only one explaination: ALIENS! (Lolz JK)**

**8) The Meeting**

**9) And last but not least, who does Karin really love/loved/will love?**

**Damn I wear I must have been high as a kite when I came up with this story but keep reading you might at least have a fun time with my entertaining ideas!**

**Also, I realized from the last two chapters that I really rushed without proper editing and what not. I'm writing this on a word document so I can have proper spacing. But for some reason the system won't let me go back to edit the spacing on the last two chapters? Gahhhhh anyone have advice.**

**Also, I would like to say that this is my first fanfiction ever; and I'm having a difficult time working the line between incorporating what I want to write and creating a mary sues/gary stews.**

**Tell me, was the last chapter describing Karin's figure sueish? I'm afraid it is, but I really want to touch on the issue of body and gender shaming in this fic.**

**Would there be any way I can still keep this part in/useful for the rest of the story without scaring off viewers? Or would you prefer me get rid of it all together?**

**Anyways please rate and review…I was so sad to see less views for chapter 2 and I'm scared I kinna blew it…(me: sad). But thank you very much for those who did read and review, you're messages literally make my day! **

**P.S:**

**As I mentioned above this chapter is dedicated to my boys Goose, Louis, Frankie, and Steven. They are my Kei, Kazuya, Ryohei, and Heita. I have been blessed to not have ever lost anyone a close loved one to death; of course losing anyone I care about would devastate me but the thought of losing my friends in any way especially unnerves me. Oh and just to drop those who are against homosexuality shouldn't be reading this fic. **

**I just wanted to say I love all of you idiots and you guys helped inspire me to write this chapter…even though non of you will ever read it EVER! MUAHAAHHAHHAHHAAH**


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